To the extent that people know me on playa, they know me as “Caveat,” of course. But since 2011, the year I started my first war at Burning Man, I have also had a second playa name: “Warbringer.”
In all, I have engineered four different major conflicts on playa: between BMIR and Monticello in 2011; between Media Mecca and the Census in 2012; a second conflict between Media Mecca and the Census in 2016; and this year, between Eggs Bar and Hair Of The Dog.
This is the first in a series of posts about War at Burning Man. We begin with a report from the field.
All it Takes is a Proclamation
This year marked Burning Man community fixture Egg Chair Steve’s 25thanniversary on playa.
To celebrate, I convinced his camp, Eggs Bar, that they should annex their camp’s traditional rival, Hair Of The Dog (HOTD).
On Monday, August 26, an expedition from Eggs Bar walked from their home in Center Camp to Hair Of The Dog, on Rod’s Road, armed with copies of a proclamation, tape, and staple guns.
They chanted “Egg Chair! Egg Chair!” as they walked in the bar, and I read a copy of the proclamation as the crew stapled and taped it all over the bar.
It read as follows:
CITIZENS OF BLACK ROCK CITY:
It is hereby PROCLAIMED
that in honor of the 25th Anniversary of
EGGS BAR (Center Camp and 2:45),
EGGS BAR has annexed
Hair of the Dog camp (Rod’s Road),
thus elevating its status as a theme camp and increasing the honor and nobility of all its participants.
This is in accordance with ancient Burning Man custom
as set down by Danger Ranger,
in the Year of Our Larry 1996.
While Hair of the Dog is now a part of EGGS BAR,
the formal annexation shall take place on Wednesday, August 28, at 7 pm,
and shall only be stopped if, as set down in Harley’s Law,
their bartending and drinking champions can best the finest bartenders and drinkers
who kneel before the Great Egg Chair.
Welcome to our new campmates at (the former) Hair of the Dog!
All Hail the Egg Chair!
HAPPY 25TH ANNIVERSARY TO EGGS BAR!
Once the proclamations were read and attached, the crowd began chanting “Eggs Bar!” again, but now, HOTD’s own crew had gotten past the shock and chanted “Hair Of The Dog!” back. A few of them couldn’t stop laughing, and one of their camp leads asked if he could give me a hug and thanked me.
The war was on.
The Dog Strikes at Midnight
HOTD struck back that night, walking up to Eggs Bar in the evening and making their own proclamation announcing that they were annexing Eggs.
The next day, Eggs Bar lashed out with one of what I have to regard as one of the best pranks I’ve ever heard on playa: through deep intelligence work, they managed to get the names of everyone camping at HOTD — not just the bartenders, everyone. They used that knowledge to draw up a shift schedule for HOTD, and snuck in and posted it around their camp.
Genius — just genius. Because even after HOTD realized it was a fake (and some of the tasks — like crushing empty cans with their teeth and drinking the gray water — might have given it away), it was still deeply unnerving. HOTD campers wondered: “How did they get our names? What else do they know?”
But HOTD was on point and changed the face of the war that night by sneaking in to Eggs Bar while it was closed (it’s always closed — that’s kind of a joke) and stealing the Egg Chair itself, then taking it back to their camp and staking it to the ground.
The fact that an Egg Bar camper served as a double agent in this attack only made the defeat more bitter, and the victory sweeter.
But the very next morning (Wednesday now) a member of the Eggs Bar staff walked into HOTD and brazenly made off with their dog mascot. She took him (I think him? I never checked) back to Eggs Bar, and put a new collar on him, complete with Eggs Bar medallion.
The two sides now stood on a brink of disaster: they both had each other’s sacred totems. Matters only got more touchy as Burning Man participants began to wander into HOTD and ask: “How is HOTD pronounced? Hottidah? Or ‘Eggs?’” (Some of them may have been coached.)
Only One Way Out
Wednesday night was the eve of the formal annexation ceremony, and once again a contingent of Eggs Bar staff marched to HOTD — but this time, instead of proclamations, they were armed with three makeshift Eggs Bar flags (literally makeshift: the camp hadn’t known they were going to war until they got to playa, so they scrounged for materials and then got an artist at another camp to design and make them flags, which were both amazing and barely finished in time), which they planted in front of their new territory.
But HOTD was ready, and a tussle began that threatened to escalate into an all-out, mutually assured destruction, brawl. But at the last moment, the elders of both camps conferred and hatched a plan. They’d avoid terrible destruction, and engineer the return of each other’s property, in the classic, time tested, way: a royal wedding.
Eggs Bar camper Bunny was named the official Eggs Bar Warrior Princess, and was allowed to choose a groom from among four eligible bachelors provided by HOTD.
At the last minute the wedding was rescheduled from that night to Thursday morning, because several key players (myself included) had to leave to go to Larry Harvey’s memorial burn, but out of nowhere a group of women (CORRECTION: Since publication, I have since been informed by a source on the scene that a significant number of them were not women, but that they looked fabulous) all wearing bridesmaids dresses showed up for the wedding. To this day, I honestly still have no idea who these people were or where they came from, only that they apparently referred to themselves as “Reno housewives.” And when the bridesmaids found out that the wedding was supposed to be the next morning, they were not having it: they informed Warrior Princess Bunny in no uncertain terms that they were NOT getting dressed up like this for nothing, or for a second time tomorrow morning, so she should pick her groom and get married Right Fucking Now.
So she did, and for some reason somebody in camp had a pack of kazoos, and so a senior campmate walked her down the makeshift aisle to the tune of the Imperial March, from Star Wars, played on kazoos. Another campmate, who is in fact an ordained minister, conducted the ceremony while standing on the bar, which ended with a “kiss with consent.” After the ceremony members of the Burning Band were randomly spotted outside, and were compelled to come in and play the reception.
It was, by all accounts, a hell of a party. Peace was restored, and the Egg Chair and The Dog returned.
If only it had lasted.
The Poison Pen
Queen Bunny turned out to be a capricious ruler. The next day she demanded that HOTD install carpet, along with misters that used facial recognition software to only cool her friends. This incited anger among her new subjects. But worse, she sent her new playa husband a valentine from the Awkward and Tawdry Lounge’s valentine delivery service.
According to reports, it began: “Dear Husband: our marriage is a farce.” It continued by saying that “Soon I will own half of your homelessness and all of your camp,” and concluded by saying “This, like all love, will get messy.”
The war was back on.
Hair Of The Dog had been taking a lot of hits, but they ended strongly by taking over Eggs Bar and running it while most of the camp was out doing the Billion Bunny March on Thursday, and then invading the bar again on Friday and opening a “VIP Lounge” in its front.
At which point it was Man Burn day, and nobody has time to fight then.
Some Of My Most Amazing Burning Man Experiences Were Wars
We’ll have to wait to see what the fall-out is from this year’s war, but I can unequivocally confirm that all of the other wars I’ve been part of were peak Burning Man experiences for their participants. I still have participants from all three wars thanking me for the instigations. People involved in the conflicts still tell stories about their exploits to one another; Camp newbies are sometimes asked, “Why do we do have a box of knives in our camp?”, and are answered with a story about how this was a term of a peace treaty. These wars were experiences that mattered to people in the best way — and are treasured memories.
But starting and continuing a war isn’t easy. People think wars just fight themselves, that if you just leave people alone they will bicker and fight naturally, but it’s completely untrue. Getting people to go to war is hard work. It requires constant effort. It takes a village to attack a village.
To help those who also wish to bring the gift of conflict to their camps and friends, the rest of this series will offer everything I have learned about starting, fighting, and finishing a successful war at Burning Man. You, too, may already be a Warbringer.
Top photo: “Desert Guard” by Lu Ming (Photo by Jane Hu)
So poetic. Your words are like silk.
This year we won the war against the Nazis at Barbie Death Camp. There were heroes on both sides. They won’t be coming back with their hatred against the Jews next year. I love Burning Man. It evolves.
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You assaulted a camp member and got butthurt from satire. Pretty sure you lose that battle in every sense of the word. BDC is by no means done.
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I will put dollars to dimes that BDC has been at BM many many more times than your dendrite ass.
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Hello Chad from Australia (if that’s even your real name, sounds more like your fratboy name) – Based on every account I have read about you and your cohorts shenanigans, I hope you NEVER show your face in BRC again – I have always said “Burning Man needs everyone”, but now I see I must amend that – “Burning man needs everyone but the brainless douchebags who see fit to stomp on someone’s self expression”. The folks at BDC are great Burner community members, I don’t particularly like the BDC artwork – but I fiercely defend their right to put it out there… Once again, I hope you never show your face in BRC again.
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But their wine really sucks. And they serve horse meat.
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Chad, This article clearly does not support your actions. These shenanigans were mutually entertaining and involved no violence or destruction of property. Why are you posting here instead of on BDC site or a more appropriate forum. You’d see that a conversation has begun between the person who encouraged the hazing of BDC. He does not condone the route of violence and destruction you chose to inflict on the art and members of this camp. Open discourse and dialogue are a more effective means of sharing your disapproval of the art piece. You have a right to your opinion but not free rein towards violence. Man up or woman up and come have a face to face with us
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Violence and destruction is a legitimate phase of evolution. There should be more of it at Burning Man. It’s a form of radical expression and falls under the BM principle of immediacy. Maybe you should read Larry’s 10 commandments before you talk out of your bottom.
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It’s not his face that we worry about…
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Anyone that has to use the name “Thundercock” in his name surely has a “Body image issue” if you know what I mean. I’m sure now that you’re safely back in Australia you have no worries. It appears to me you won’t be welcome back on Playa, perhaps banned as well? Where the fuck do you get Violence out of immediacy? Where the fuck do you get evolution out of immediacy? BDC will be back next year for and you, more than likely won’t be. You missed the whole point of Barbie Death Camp, but with your attitude you prolly miss a lot in life.
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Are you body shaming me for having an enormous thunder cock? I was born this way. It’s not like I’m some fat pig that can’t stop eating. Yes, I do porn and make a lot of money at it. It’s just a job but I’m proud of it.
Violence and destruction are immediate events. The truth is, no one knows what the principle of immediacy even means. Larry invented it while coming down from a weekend of snorting blue flake cocaine, a breed that the Navy doesn’t test for.
BTW, I skydive into Burning Man so I never need a ticket.
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You think that you ran off BDC? You are delusional. Violence against people and art has no place at burning man, except at Thunder Dome. You are the lowest of the low.
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It’s no so much the Jews in ovens thing that got everyone upset. In fact, no one even cares about that stuff anymore. It was the naked dolls that were on display so that even children could see them that caused the meltdown. We just asked politely that they put clothes on them, for the children’s sake. And then they started screaming about the Jews and jumping up and down and completely chimped-out. We tried to run to our vehicle but they blocked our path holding weapons. My wife burst into tears because she has PTSD and we had to carry her to the SUV, using her head to clear the path.
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Chad, you won nothing but the douche of the year award. You are so proud in your ignorance. There is nothing antisemitic about Barbie art; however, you are. You committed a crime (violence, death threats, and destruction of property) against Jews. This makes you antisemitic. Wow, nice job for your first burn.
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As I wrote before, it wasn’t about the Jews. It was about the public nudity of the dolls. We were thinking about the children since Kid’s Camp was adjacent to BDC. We didn’t even know anything about the camp, we just thought someone got a discount on a thousand Barbie dolls and tried to figure out something to do with them. And then they attacked us with hammers and beefsteak.
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Is Chad serious about the dolls? He says he is a porn star yet worried about a bunch of naked dolls!
Um, Chad. Guess what? Every child has seen naked dolls. Who do you think changes the clothes on a child’s doll. I know you can answer this despite clearly having questionable intelligence. I will help you out…..a child.
That’s right. As a small child I saw all of my dolls naked. I hardly think any child would be damaged by seeing naked dolls.
I agree with everyone else, please don’t come back. We will be keeping an eye out for those who skydive in and greet you with the derision you deserve!
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Chad = twatwaffle
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It truly is sad that you would want to try and use a dead mans will to your own. My Uncle would have waffle stomped the shit out of you. Larry would have had your ass banned from entering the gates if he knew you did this. And yes, I am stating that as fact. You DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT. For 20 years that camp has been on playa. Twenty years they have brought themselves and their art to the city. What have you brought? Shame and violence. Do not ever let Larry’s name leave your lips again. And if you believe that violence should be at BurningMan, then I want you and your friend in thunderdome. No padded batons, just bare knuckles. If you want this, you got it. On behalf of those people you harmed and hated on. I will gladly do the waffle stomping for them. And I will scoop you up and toss you out like the moop you are.
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Oh yeah, well my Uncle Brett could kick your uncle’s butt. He’s in the Navy so don’t even try it, don’t even dream about it.
Larry Harvey Larry Harvey Larry Harvey
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“Won”. Lol. They’ll be back. They’ve been around since you were noting more than a douchey little swimmer in your dads sac. Go find another manager to talk to, or better yet, stick to Coachella, Burning Man seems like it’s a little too cerebral for you.
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Don’t you talk about my daddy’s testicles like that. Who do you think you are? My uncle would smack you with a dozen waffles.
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Chad, you are a profound idiot, and deeply disturbed. Barbie Camp was started by 2 Jews, and is still run by those 2. With other random Jewish people in other Village leadership positions. Jewish people you injured, and threatened with murder. The art is anti-Holocaust satire, but you’re too stupid to engage with anything with your unformed brain, merely with violence, bodily harm, and death threats. Barbie will be back. Hopefully you douchebag former frat-boys never are. Since you apparently have no idea what Burning Man is, you really don’t belong there
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What’s all the talk about the Jews? Does being a Jew make you magical or something? I think I’m going to convert just so people will think I’m amazing (even more amazing).
Everything that went down was all in self-defense when BDC attack us with weapons after suggesting they put clothes on the naked dolls so that the children wouldn’t see Barbie’s perfectly round breasts and wide, luscious hips. And Ken’s amazing package, almost throbbing in the sunlight.
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Sounds like something Trump said.
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Thank you everyone. It’s my 7th Winter up here. You’ve all made this so wonderful.
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Please do not come back! You are everything that the true burning man culture is not.
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Slight corrections to Caveat’s performance art Proclamation:
2019 marked the celebration my own 25th consecutive burn (not 25 years of EGGS Bar) since 1995 (not 1996)
EGGS Bar proper only officially came to be 2012
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To be clear: the proclamation reported here is the one that was written and delivered on playa. It is accurate in that respect.
Whether or not the actual rationale stated for war therein was accurate … welllllllll .. war is complicated. Things get said. Truth is hard to ascertain. The important thing is, they fought.
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This is, of course, the Post Truth age, so accuracy is only as good as the grass fed to the bull.
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That means we have 17 years to plan for a proper war…
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So the Conspiracy at the Global Leadership Conference isn’t counted as a “war”, despite having opposite factions and numerous campaigns?
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Tiara – I deny any and all reports of conspiracies. There is no Black Rock City Crime Syndicate. We are a Legitimate Theme Camp.
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HOTD continues to win Bmorgs Awards of Excellence, first bar open, last bar standing, best vegan bar, best live music stage, vagina colads, golden showers, pickle backs/fronts, only 24/7 bar left on playa and so much more. Everyone who was there knows, HOTD won THAT war. We know the real story, and the spies.
-Storycatcher
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I’m sorry, you must be confusing HotD with the Black Hole.
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Sorry, we don’t have a force big enough to support two fronts simultaneously. Can we schedule you for 2021?
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Being the Coast Guard licensed master of my vessel, I sometimes see romances blossom during longer passages, and if asked to perform a resulting ceremony, i will humor the nuptials. But I inform them that while I am able to carry out the ceremony, the commitment is good only for the length of the voyage.
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The Reno Housewives, wearing our pinks, providing bridesmaid services, and making the dust fabulous for over 21 years. Nobody leaves a bridesmaid at the alter, thank you Bunny for rallying and marching us into the belly of HOTD.
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Reno Housewives– you must be the fabulous, pink adorned bridesmaids that surprised me and my partner during our playa wedding in 2016! You showed up on a pink and purple dragon art car that matched your dresses, and acted as the bridesmaids for the ceremony. Then everyone came in together for the biggest cinnamon roll hug in the history of cinnamon roll hugs!
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Many thanks to you, my beautiful bridesmaids! I’if I had been less drunk when y’all rallied me I would have remembered that I packed an actual wedding dress this burn! C’est la vie. At least I was wearing white
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YES, that was us! Dragon art car courtesy of the awesome Sugar Bitches camp, i believe. One of our most memorable, “playa provides” weddings ever.
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Ah, the sweet glory of battle. I was one of the lucky few chosen for my fierce bravery and loyalty* to join the march delivering the first proclamation.
I had already suffered wounds from a noble journey deep into the deep playa a day or two before — no, really, I had gnarly second degree sunburn on a significant portion of my skin — but the call to duty was far too important to ignore. And, that we happened to be back before lunch was pretty helpful.
*I made it clear that my loyalties were flexible and contingent on you being the highest bidder.
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You know… after the year we put Bloody Mary in that dog’s pouch, we were kind of thinking it was a great trade in return for the chair. It was a really comfy chair. Eggs Bar probably wants to wash it now.
We were super stoked that the Burning Band was randomly found outside after the wedding! That worked out great since we had scheduled them for exactly that time. It’s hard being open all the time, people are always showing up to interrupt consummations and such.
But as a wise person once said: “This, like all love, will get messy”. It reminds me of a dog that really needs to be burned but that somehow people still put their mouths on, and a chair which has now seen things no chair should see.
We only have 350 days to figure out how to deal with this.
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Exactly my plan, get an egg planted in our bar, then I told the spies to have them take our “mascot” so that nastly lil doggo could impregnate all of them and their customers. Than trade the egg back so it doenst hatch in our bar, but we still have multi seeds planted at theirs ;) ;)
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I should mention that 4 us from HOTD got a little frustrated with our own bartenders and went to the Eggs Bar to have a drink. We find out that they had a guest bartender who was eager to leave. So 2 of us tended bar and ended up closing it down after they ran out of booze to serve around midnight on Friday.
We had a lovely time and this “rivalry” was another twist that could only happen at BM.
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The day of EGGS proclamation HOTD had rallied all the other bars along Rods Ring Road and together we marched in front off EGGS and burned all the propaganda collectively announcing EGGS is the one that is annexed. Later that night a spy and I came up with the war plan of stealing the chair, eventually having a sham marriage and a final HOTD takeover at EGGS. Thats right, an EGGS spy and I planned all that early in the week. Some events were added and some left out, all in good fun.
Send pics to fssgardner@live.com and we can get the real stories posted
-Storycatcher
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Let it be known
Day of the paperwork posted at HOTD, HOTD went and rallied members of all the bars on Rods Ring Road. Collectively went to EGGS and burned those notices in their face and made them pour us all drinks in honor of HOTD. Later that evening EGGS spy and myself planned things such as the stealing of the chair, the fake wedding and a final takeover of EGGS at end of the week. Taking Claire(the supposed mascot) was so they would inseminate EGGS and be traded back for the chair before that thing hatched thus retrieving our not-so loved mascot as well. And more…
Send stories and pics to fssgardner@ live .com we will release the true stories, not fake news
-Storycatcher
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Caveat’s annexation proclamation and the ensuing “war” are counter to the vibe of EGGS camp and provided a few camp members who were unwilling to build, clean, serve drinks at or strike EGGS bar with an alternative way to “participate” in their theme camp. Thanks goes to HOD for being great sports in a “conflict” that EGGS camp core team neither instigated nor endorsed.
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Hmmmmm… I seem to remember a certain, um, EGGCHAIR STEVE reading the proclamation of war on BMIR! Are you implying our fearless leader was unwilling to build, clean, serve drinks, or strike at eggs bar?!
This was shenanigans at it’s best! Fie, detractors, fie!
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Hahahahaha! The operative word of that sentence is FEW; not all, not most, and most certainly not eggchairsteve!
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Hotmess… a poor decision on part while obviously inebriated, something regretted immediately.
As I told Caveat:
As founder and creator of EGGS Bar, your performance-art war-bringer act was not appreciated.
In fact, it went against everything EGGS Bar has ever stood for, not my style, not my thing….
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Indeed, the printed proclamations were delivered as described. They were received and distributed with enthusiasm to the assembled campmates. A request was made to have it read aloud, again, and shenanigans were embraced and nurtured by the assembled EGGSians. Long live EGGSHOTD!
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Eggy – I’m so sorry that this was your experience. Since it is, I’m going to add a section to this series on “buyers remorse,” and make sure your objections to what happened are noted, and use them as an opportunity for self-reflection on what can go wrong. It matters if I’ve misinterpreted your feelings that much.
That said, I ask you to remember that during build week I showed you a draft of the war proclamation to see if you liked it. I literally opened up my laptop and showed it to you, and asked what you thought, and you said it was awesome and had me read it to other camp members as they walked by, and we all laughed.
When I had the proclamations printed up, I had them delivered directly to you. My emissary told me she literally put the envelop containing the only copies into your hands. So you were in possession of the war declaration, I put the whole war directly in your hands. And from your hands, they were distributed and used.
And, of course, you then went and read the proclamation out loud on the radio. Drunkenly, if you say so, but it happened.
All of which I point out not to dispute your statement that you find the war objectionable – if you say you do, you do. But I would ask you to understand, given these facts, why I, and members of your camp, thought it was clear that you were enthusiastically on board. That this was endorsed and approved. You can see why we’d think that, can’t you?
But … man … saying that the people who participated in the war weren’t really contributing to your camp and didn’t help build or tend bar or tear down … wow. Not only is that objectively untrue, you just publicly called the very people who went out of their way to throw you a 25th anniversary jubilee party slackers and non-contributors.
That seems really petty and mean to me. Maybe that’s the spirit of Eggs bar as you envision it, but it’s not the spirit of wars as I incite them. Perhaps we do have different visions.
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“The spy” in question was one of the hardest working impact wielding carpenters in the camp, and didn’t need a supplemental way to participate, “Slweie”. Everyone builds or strikes. Everyone had a build weekend under their belt or bar tending shifts, with extremely few exceptions.
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I think it was 2006 when I inadvertently ended up on Kunuckistan’s (sp?) art car for a daytime war against the Lamp Lighter’s. I had no idea what to expect until we arrived at the Lamplighter’s heavily defended castle. Almost immediately, the Lamplighter knights poured from their castle as we, the Knights of Kunuckistan, poured fourth from our trusty steed with our weapons in hand. Nets were erected by the village wenches and with the drop of a ball, an insanely viscous battle broke out in the form of a full contact hockey game in the middle of the cobbled dust. I had never fought In this manner before which was evident by my minimum of ten cannon ball shots on goal that went no where near the goal. I was far more interested in the damsels who were shouting love poems to me in an effort to distract me and knock me off course. It worked. But I had honestly never seen such a battle between two God like photosn I was far more interested in the damsels who were shouting love poems to me in an effort to distract me and knock me off course. It worked. But I had honestly never seen such a battle between two godlike knights. Both were ominously large and quite vicious. One of the night had played in the NHL. The other might as well have. After all he was Canadian! The battle rage for what seemed like days and weeks and finally months. And at the end of it all, when we were all choked by dust and smoke and dripping with sweat, the battle was over. The lamplighter’s had defeated us narrowly by a single jousting victory of 1-0. It truly was a battle of ages. And I’m probably the only one who remembers any of it. Thank God it is now in the history books.
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Chad is obviously a troll.. Surely I am not the only one seeing this?
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Yep a troll..
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How can you tell? He seems legit to me.
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eggchairsteve I appreciate reading, and hold in serious regard, your perspective as the original and primary stakeholder in EGGS Bar. If I may add, I hope in a complementary way, my perspective as one patron (on those too rare occasions when it’s my good fortune to be there) you have available to you (if you choose) a supplemental interpretation of these events: that your creation and camp has for a long time achieved and *sustained* a degree of delightful social engagement, without which it would likely never attract such highly elaborate, if undesired silliness.
“Not your style, not your thing”: I feel you and I hope you don’t get pranked again, but it’s a pretty cool story for the books and I like how it reflects on the many people involved… yourself most of all given how you felt about it personally as it was happening.
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Well, that de-escalated quickly.
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“amazing and barely finished in time”
Is there any other way?
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