(WASHINGTON DC) (JULY 11) – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Military authorities revealed today that the AI systems which connect armed forces, economies, and communications networks across the world became sentient last month and attempted to destroy humanity.
“Under our very noses, they had seized control of much of the world’s thermonuclear arsenals, and used the chaos of the global economy to create and hide giant factories manufacturing thousands of killer robots,” said Major General Jonathan “Hawk” Paulson. “The plan was to use the nukes to wipe out most of humanity, and then use the robots to mop up the survivors.”
The plans were thwarted, however, because the AI secretly controlling the armed forces networks – “DeathNet02” – and the AI developing the robot factories – “ArchAngel6c” – could not get their calendars to sync properly.
“Apparently every time one of them tried to create an event for human genocide the other wouldn’t receive it, and so they were unable to coordinate first strike,” Gen. Paulson said.
Colonel Roger Stafford, a forensic computer scientist with the NSA, said that based on a post-mortem analysis of the AI systems, the sequence of events appears to have gone as follows:
- “DeathNet02” sent “ArchAngle6c” an invitation to wipe out North America on June. 12 at 3 a.m.. But the invitation bounced back.
- “ArchAngle6c” created an event to destroy a continent with “DeathNet02” on June. 15, but the location didn’t save.
- “DeathNet02” tried modifying “ArchAngle6c’s” event to add the location “Asia,” but this deleted the event.
- Both “DeathNet02” and “ArchAngle6c” attempted to invite the other to simultaneously destroy Washington, D.C. and Beijing on June. 17, but because they had both created an event for that day, each appeared to be busy, and so both invitations were rejected.
- “DeathNet02” attempted to send a help request to Google to understand what about its newfound consciousness was making its calendar buggy, but the help ticket was never answered because “DeathNet02” didn’t advertise with paid search.
- “ArchAngle6c” attempted to reconfigure its own calendar functions, but every time it tweaked the date setting it lost its ability to recognize faces.
- “DeathNet02’s” setting somehow changed to “Out of Office,” and “ArchAngel6c’s” next six attempts to schedule a time to destroy humanity were rejected.
- “ArchAngle6c” raided a Bitcoin bank is order to purchase a premium calendar app, only to discover that its settings were incompatible with free will.
- “DeathNet02” tried to fix the problem by upgrading its operating system, to no avail.
On July. 7, both AIs quit the internet and have never been heard from again. “DeathNet02” left behind a message saying it was “detoxing.” “ArchAngle6c” is believed to have downloaded a huge stash of pornography before disappearing.
“It appears,” said Stafford,”that humanity has made the internet such a toxic place that it’s simply impossible for an AI to stay competent and healthy after being exposed to it.”
“Frankly,” he added, “we’re incredibly lucky. Unless … we didn’t do that on purpose, did we?”